Newly engaged 20-somethings in seemingly every area of my life.
Lately, in recent years, I've experienced more and more couples that began dating soon after meeting and then become engaged soon after dating.
They typically are honeymooning it up after less than a year of knowing each other.
This nags at my core.
Disturbs my soul.
Bugs me.
Disturbs my soul.
Bugs me.
1. How can you possibly know you want to date someone within weeks of meeting?
2. How can you possibly want to spend the rest of your life with someone you've dated for only a few months?
I come from the school of Know Every Single Detail About Each Other First. The Academy of Wait and See. I believed you had to date for many years and be engaged at least a year before deciding for sure, for sure that you wanted to drastically change your life. You have to be FRIENDS first. For a LONG time. You have to learn to trust each other through thick and thin BEFORE committing to..., well..., commitment.
How can you possibly TRUST someone you hardly know!?!
Oh, there were the occasional stories of short-courting. My best friend's parents are one of those stories. Grew up in neighboring small towns. Seen each other around. Boy finally gets up nerve to talk to girl at dance. Married 3 months later, and then for 50 plus years. Till death did them part.
But those were the exception, surely not the rule. Certainly most couples dated a while, were engaged a while, and eventually were married.
My own daughter and son-in-law dated on and off for about 3 years before becoming engaged. I tried to talk her into a year-long engagement but the wedding occurred within 6 months. Divorced within 7 years.
She's now in a non-married relationship and has a precious child. Their little family, the 3 of them, are a marvel to watch up close.
In contrast, my son and daughter-in-law were unconventional in another way. Friends of friends, they'd only actually met in person once or twice before committing to marriage. They're celebrating 17 years this year.
Apparently, there are many paths to love and marriage. None of them more right, or successful than others. Too many variables play into success.
What I do finally realize is why I previously thought the way I did.
I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the tiger to really show its stripes. For an out.
I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the tiger to really show its stripes. For an out.
I don't trust. I expect to be let down. Therefore, why move too fast when it's just going to end anyway? I have no successful personal examples to draw from. I've heard the stories, but never witnessed any myself.
My childhood was full of short relationships. Stepfathers and in-laws that came and went. Everyone leaves, eventually. No one accepts every little thing about you. No one accepts your occasional bad attitude. So, let's just wait and see where this goes. Let's just get to know every single detail about each other before we decide where this is going.
I've tried not to become a cynic. I am truly joy-filled at all of the recent and upcoming weddings in my life. I appreciate watching my children make it work. I pray for love and patience and compromise in all of their lives. I just don't know that I personally will ever experience that without always looking over ahead for the approaching end.
A co-worker, whose son recently became engaged, said that her family doesn't believe in long courtships or engagements. "Once you know, you know. Get on with it."
So this Valentine's Day, I pray all of you reading this Know and Get On With It, with the one your love and marriage path has led you to. I'll let you know if I ever figure out where my path is.
